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Dec. 12th, 2006 08:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flyingskullHello my friends, I'm back online and am ambulatory! I went to work! Yea, verily and suchlike I went to my lil place of work on my own two legs and I worked!
You'll have noticed I'm still a bit high with joy, I presume. And so, being so joyful and things, methought of a great idea! Why not utterly desecrate Shakespeare for one of my ignoble pastiches and spoofs? Why not indeed. So I'm rewriting Romeo and Juliet. It's all William's fault! 'My only love sprung on my only hate'...! C'mon! Who can resist it? I can't. I had a long debate about who should be who, because, of course of the 'deny thy father' thingy, but in the end I couldn't resist Voldiemort as Paris, so I think Romeo will highjack that particular piece of Juliet's rant and that will be that.
Well, I'm the parodist, I can do it.
I've also decided that, being, as it were, a double agent, Snape will have a double role: he'll both be Capulet and the Nurse. Because I'm cruel, that's why.
There'll be unabriged and abriged Shakespearean verse (I've magled quite a few) and lots of prose with thous and thees thrown in every now and then. To give it a flavour, y'know? There's also a mini-tiny-wee tribute to Maya in this section. Because she started a Veela!Harry fic and she deserves tributes.
And so, without further ado, let me present:
THE PROLOGUE
Eldritch smoke illuminated by eerie lights. Enter the Bloody Baron.
B. BARON
Two Houses, both alike in dignity
Inside fair Hogwarts, where we lay our scene…
Yes, yes, I know there are four, but who cares about those bookworms Ravenclaws and those canon-fodder Hufflepuffs! (titters at own jest. coughs and regains his dignity)
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny
Where schoolboy blood makes schoolboy hands unclean.
Each House bred forth a champion of its values:
Brave Gryffindors look up to dark-haired Harry,
Bold as a lion, catching the snitch for victory
While cunning Slytherins to Draco look
Their precious prince of plans, pale haired and pointy.
What trials befell those two and how it turned out
We'll now show you. Prepare to shed your tears.
ACT I
A HALL IN HOGWARTS
Crabbe and Goyle of the House of Slytherin, to them Dean and Seamus of the House Gryffindor.
CRABBE
I can abide everything but the House of Gryffindor.
GOYLE
So can't I and if we meet them I'll show them what's what.
CRABBE
Well, here's your chance.
GOYLE
So I see, draw thy wand.
CRABBE
'Tis out. But let them begin hexing lest we lose house-points.
GOYLE
I'll smirk and sneer at them and let them take that as they will.
CRABBE
Nah. I'll thumb my nose at them, which will be a disgrace to them if they bear it. (thumbs nose)
SEAMUS
Do you thumb your nose at us, Slytherin?
CRABBE
Will I get detention if I say yes?
GOYLE
Yes.
CRABBE
Well, Gryffindor, I do not thumb my nose at you, but I do thumb my nose.
DEAN
Excavating it, more like.
GOYLE
Do you quarrel, Gryffindor?
DEAN
Quarrel? Not at all.
CRABBE
But if you do, I am for you. I study with as good a professor as you.
SEAMUS
No better?
GOYLE
Say 'better', here comes one of our best wands.
CRABBE
Yes, much better!
DEAN
You lie.
CRABBE
Draw if you be men! Gregory, remember your knuckle-duster curse!
They hex like mad. Ron enters running followed by Blaise
RON
Stop fools! Put up thy wands! There's professors around!
BLAISE
What? Art thou casting among those brainless dogs?
Turn thee, Ron Weasel, and look upon your death.
RON
I do but keep the peace. Put down your wand.
BLAISE
Wand drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word
As I hate Light, all Gryffindors and thee.
Have at thee, coward!
RON
Coward? I'll show you coward, you Death Eater in Training!
The whole hall is lighted by hexes and curses. Enters Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE
STOP THIS AT ONCE! Stop it I say! Read my lips! Watch my eyes! Do they twinkle? No. (the fight stops) That's better. I do not want to see more fights in my school or I shall personally cast Crucio on the lot of you! Now begone!
All exeunt, grumbling.
GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM
MCGONAGALL
Mr Weasley, what started the fight?
RON
It was those slimy Slytherins, professor! I tried to stop the fight but bloody Zabini called me a coward so I hexed him good. Bloody Death Eater in training.
MCGONAGALL
Mr Weasley! Language!
RON
Sorry.
MCGONAGALL
I'd be thankful Harry wasn't in that fight, if I weren't so worried about him. He disappears! Stays locked in his room all day and prowls the grounds at night. He'll never become an Auror if he keeps neglecting his studies like this. Do you know what's troubling him?
RON
No, but I'll make him tell me, ma'm. I'm his best friend, he can't hide from me.
MCGONAGALL
Good boy. Now go and hound him until he spits it out.
THE QUIDDITCH PITCH
RON
Good morrow, Harry.
HARRY
Is the day so young?
RON
But now struck nine.
HARRY
Ay me, sad hours seem so long.
RON
Tell me what sadness lengthens Harry's hours?
HARRY
Not having that which, having, makes them short.
RON
Huh?
HARRY
Not having… Oh, for goodness, sake! A girlfriend.
RON
You're in love?
HARRY
Out.
RON
You're out of love?
HARRY
Out of her favour where I am in love.
RON
Aaah! Cho's dumped you, then?
HARRY
She will not stay the siege of loving terms
Nor bid the encounter of assailing eyes
Not ope her lap to saint-seducing gold…
O, she is rich in beauty, what a crumpet!
RON
Alright, mate, listen to me, there's plenty of other fishes in the sea.
HARRY
But none as scrumptious as she.
RON
Oy! What about my sister Ginny?
HARRY
Being thy sister, she is dear to me,
But love? She can't hold a candle
To pert Cho Chang, Ravenclaw's guiding light.
RON
But Ginny loves thee madly, and she's a Gryffindor and… Oh, alright. Come on, you'll find someone that will make thee forget that haughty beauty.
HARRY
Farewell, thou canst not teach me to forget. (exits)
RON
O bloody hell.
SLYTHERIN HOUSE
SNAPE
Look, if I am to be of any use in this school I can't openly defy the Headmaster. Besides McGonagall is bound as well as I. We need to wait.
VOLDEMORT
So be it. But what say you to my suit?
SNAPE
What I've said before, Lord. Draco is a child, he's still naïve and, for all his posturing, knows nothing of the world. Wait until he's seventeen and then give him the Mark.
VOLDEMORT
Younger than he are happy Death Eaters made.
SNAPE
And too soon marr'd are those so early made.
But woo him, gentle Riddle, get his heart,
My will to his consent is but a part,
And he agreed, within his scope of choice
Lies my consent and fair according voice.
Look, tonight we have a party in our common room and of course you're invited. There thou shall flit like a bee from flower to flower of slytherinhood and woo my charges as thou seest fit. (summons house-elf)
Go, sirrah, trudge about,
Throughout fair Hogwarts, find these persons out
Whose names are written here, and to them say:
My House and welcome to their pleasure stay.
Snape and Voldemort exeunt.
DOBBY
I is ruined! Ruined, ruined, ruined! Poor Dobby was never taught to read by bad Malfoy masters! How is Dobby to go to persons if Dobby cannot read persons' names? Dobby must find Great Harry Potter and ask Noble Harry Potter to read names to Dobby or Dobby will be bad house elf and will have to punish himself! (pops out)
ANOTHER HALL IN HOGWARTS
RON
Harry, will you stop brooding?
HARRY
No. Brooding is my duty and pleasure.
RON
Are you mad?
HARRY
Not mad but bound more than a madman is:
Shut up in prison, kept without my food,
Whipped and tormented and… Good Lord it's worse than at the Dursleys! (Dobby pops in) Dobby! What do you want?
DOBBY
Can the Great, Noble and Good Harry Potter read this for poor Dobby? Is list that bad professor Snape has made for party.
HARRY
Alright, give here. Let's see… Nott, Bulstrode, Parkinson, Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle… why doesn't he shout the names in his common room? All Slytherins… no, wait. Boot, Smith, Lovegood, Cho! Chang! He's invited beauteous Cho! (sighs. Dobby pulls his robe) Oh yes, and Bones, Finch-Fletchley and McMillan. There you go, Dobby.
DOBBY
Oh thank you Bounteous Harry Potter sir! Thank you! (pops out)
RON
What a boot-licker!
HARRY
(sighs) Choooooo…
RON
Go to the party, then. Compare your Cho to the other beauties there and be heart-whole again.
HARRY
What beauties? Millicent Bulstrode?
RON
Well, Pansy Parkinson swings a mean robe… I mean, she's evil, but then, what a saucy Slytherin… I mean saucy in a very evil way, you know, I mean…
HARRY
I'll go along, not such sights to be shown
But to rejoice in splendour of my own. Oh, Cho!
Part Two
It won't take long, the tragedy is proceeding apace.
You'll have noticed I'm still a bit high with joy, I presume. And so, being so joyful and things, methought of a great idea! Why not utterly desecrate Shakespeare for one of my ignoble pastiches and spoofs? Why not indeed. So I'm rewriting Romeo and Juliet. It's all William's fault! 'My only love sprung on my only hate'...! C'mon! Who can resist it? I can't. I had a long debate about who should be who, because, of course of the 'deny thy father' thingy, but in the end I couldn't resist Voldiemort as Paris, so I think Romeo will highjack that particular piece of Juliet's rant and that will be that.
Well, I'm the parodist, I can do it.
I've also decided that, being, as it were, a double agent, Snape will have a double role: he'll both be Capulet and the Nurse. Because I'm cruel, that's why.
There'll be unabriged and abriged Shakespearean verse (I've magled quite a few) and lots of prose with thous and thees thrown in every now and then. To give it a flavour, y'know? There's also a mini-tiny-wee tribute to Maya in this section. Because she started a Veela!Harry fic and she deserves tributes.
And so, without further ado, let me present:
ROMEO AND JULIET, HOGWARTS STYLE
THE PROLOGUE
Eldritch smoke illuminated by eerie lights. Enter the Bloody Baron.
B. BARON
Two Houses, both alike in dignity
Inside fair Hogwarts, where we lay our scene…
Yes, yes, I know there are four, but who cares about those bookworms Ravenclaws and those canon-fodder Hufflepuffs! (titters at own jest. coughs and regains his dignity)
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny
Where schoolboy blood makes schoolboy hands unclean.
Each House bred forth a champion of its values:
Brave Gryffindors look up to dark-haired Harry,
Bold as a lion, catching the snitch for victory
While cunning Slytherins to Draco look
Their precious prince of plans, pale haired and pointy.
What trials befell those two and how it turned out
We'll now show you. Prepare to shed your tears.
ACT I
A HALL IN HOGWARTS
Crabbe and Goyle of the House of Slytherin, to them Dean and Seamus of the House Gryffindor.
CRABBE
I can abide everything but the House of Gryffindor.
GOYLE
So can't I and if we meet them I'll show them what's what.
CRABBE
Well, here's your chance.
GOYLE
So I see, draw thy wand.
CRABBE
'Tis out. But let them begin hexing lest we lose house-points.
GOYLE
I'll smirk and sneer at them and let them take that as they will.
CRABBE
Nah. I'll thumb my nose at them, which will be a disgrace to them if they bear it. (thumbs nose)
SEAMUS
Do you thumb your nose at us, Slytherin?
CRABBE
Will I get detention if I say yes?
GOYLE
Yes.
CRABBE
Well, Gryffindor, I do not thumb my nose at you, but I do thumb my nose.
DEAN
Excavating it, more like.
GOYLE
Do you quarrel, Gryffindor?
DEAN
Quarrel? Not at all.
CRABBE
But if you do, I am for you. I study with as good a professor as you.
SEAMUS
No better?
GOYLE
Say 'better', here comes one of our best wands.
CRABBE
Yes, much better!
DEAN
You lie.
CRABBE
Draw if you be men! Gregory, remember your knuckle-duster curse!
They hex like mad. Ron enters running followed by Blaise
RON
Stop fools! Put up thy wands! There's professors around!
BLAISE
What? Art thou casting among those brainless dogs?
Turn thee, Ron Weasel, and look upon your death.
RON
I do but keep the peace. Put down your wand.
BLAISE
Wand drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word
As I hate Light, all Gryffindors and thee.
Have at thee, coward!
RON
Coward? I'll show you coward, you Death Eater in Training!
The whole hall is lighted by hexes and curses. Enters Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE
STOP THIS AT ONCE! Stop it I say! Read my lips! Watch my eyes! Do they twinkle? No. (the fight stops) That's better. I do not want to see more fights in my school or I shall personally cast Crucio on the lot of you! Now begone!
All exeunt, grumbling.
GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM
MCGONAGALL
Mr Weasley, what started the fight?
RON
It was those slimy Slytherins, professor! I tried to stop the fight but bloody Zabini called me a coward so I hexed him good. Bloody Death Eater in training.
MCGONAGALL
Mr Weasley! Language!
RON
Sorry.
MCGONAGALL
I'd be thankful Harry wasn't in that fight, if I weren't so worried about him. He disappears! Stays locked in his room all day and prowls the grounds at night. He'll never become an Auror if he keeps neglecting his studies like this. Do you know what's troubling him?
RON
No, but I'll make him tell me, ma'm. I'm his best friend, he can't hide from me.
MCGONAGALL
Good boy. Now go and hound him until he spits it out.
THE QUIDDITCH PITCH
RON
Good morrow, Harry.
HARRY
Is the day so young?
RON
But now struck nine.
HARRY
Ay me, sad hours seem so long.
RON
Tell me what sadness lengthens Harry's hours?
HARRY
Not having that which, having, makes them short.
RON
Huh?
HARRY
Not having… Oh, for goodness, sake! A girlfriend.
RON
You're in love?
HARRY
Out.
RON
You're out of love?
HARRY
Out of her favour where I am in love.
RON
Aaah! Cho's dumped you, then?
HARRY
She will not stay the siege of loving terms
Nor bid the encounter of assailing eyes
Not ope her lap to saint-seducing gold…
O, she is rich in beauty, what a crumpet!
RON
Alright, mate, listen to me, there's plenty of other fishes in the sea.
HARRY
But none as scrumptious as she.
RON
Oy! What about my sister Ginny?
HARRY
Being thy sister, she is dear to me,
But love? She can't hold a candle
To pert Cho Chang, Ravenclaw's guiding light.
RON
But Ginny loves thee madly, and she's a Gryffindor and… Oh, alright. Come on, you'll find someone that will make thee forget that haughty beauty.
HARRY
Farewell, thou canst not teach me to forget. (exits)
RON
O bloody hell.
SLYTHERIN HOUSE
SNAPE
Look, if I am to be of any use in this school I can't openly defy the Headmaster. Besides McGonagall is bound as well as I. We need to wait.
VOLDEMORT
So be it. But what say you to my suit?
SNAPE
What I've said before, Lord. Draco is a child, he's still naïve and, for all his posturing, knows nothing of the world. Wait until he's seventeen and then give him the Mark.
VOLDEMORT
Younger than he are happy Death Eaters made.
SNAPE
And too soon marr'd are those so early made.
But woo him, gentle Riddle, get his heart,
My will to his consent is but a part,
And he agreed, within his scope of choice
Lies my consent and fair according voice.
Look, tonight we have a party in our common room and of course you're invited. There thou shall flit like a bee from flower to flower of slytherinhood and woo my charges as thou seest fit. (summons house-elf)
Go, sirrah, trudge about,
Throughout fair Hogwarts, find these persons out
Whose names are written here, and to them say:
My House and welcome to their pleasure stay.
Snape and Voldemort exeunt.
DOBBY
I is ruined! Ruined, ruined, ruined! Poor Dobby was never taught to read by bad Malfoy masters! How is Dobby to go to persons if Dobby cannot read persons' names? Dobby must find Great Harry Potter and ask Noble Harry Potter to read names to Dobby or Dobby will be bad house elf and will have to punish himself! (pops out)
ANOTHER HALL IN HOGWARTS
RON
Harry, will you stop brooding?
HARRY
No. Brooding is my duty and pleasure.
RON
Are you mad?
HARRY
Not mad but bound more than a madman is:
Shut up in prison, kept without my food,
Whipped and tormented and… Good Lord it's worse than at the Dursleys! (Dobby pops in) Dobby! What do you want?
DOBBY
Can the Great, Noble and Good Harry Potter read this for poor Dobby? Is list that bad professor Snape has made for party.
HARRY
Alright, give here. Let's see… Nott, Bulstrode, Parkinson, Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle… why doesn't he shout the names in his common room? All Slytherins… no, wait. Boot, Smith, Lovegood, Cho! Chang! He's invited beauteous Cho! (sighs. Dobby pulls his robe) Oh yes, and Bones, Finch-Fletchley and McMillan. There you go, Dobby.
DOBBY
Oh thank you Bounteous Harry Potter sir! Thank you! (pops out)
RON
What a boot-licker!
HARRY
(sighs) Choooooo…
RON
Go to the party, then. Compare your Cho to the other beauties there and be heart-whole again.
HARRY
What beauties? Millicent Bulstrode?
RON
Well, Pansy Parkinson swings a mean robe… I mean, she's evil, but then, what a saucy Slytherin… I mean saucy in a very evil way, you know, I mean…
HARRY
I'll go along, not such sights to be shown
But to rejoice in splendour of my own. Oh, Cho!
Part Two
It won't take long, the tragedy is proceeding apace.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 01:09 pm (UTC)I guess I do know. :)
I'm afraid I mostly like the soft sciences, though, like psychology and history and whatnot. I've tried reading astrophysics, but I tend to doze off pretty soon. ^_^;;
Oh, and you can keep Technology. I use it, but feel no affection for it. :P
Maybe it's a question of both of us liking, well, otherness. You're an active, decisive person, so science, being pure thought, appeals to you... whereas I am a passive, indecisive person, so I love technology, because it gets things done?
Oh, DO straighten your knees, dude. I know I sound like Emberella.
Well, it's for about the same reason as her, isn't there, what with you having ancestry from all over the place? =] Whereas I'm what you get when you breed Swedes to Swedes for long enough. You get the uber-Swede. =] It goes for my personality too, actually. I've got all the common Swedish quirks, only even more so.
Alas. I have the soul of a unique individual, but I have the genes of Stereotypical Scandinavian # 2989020. =]
BUT I rather love your shameless flattering, especially when you say I am cool and exotic even not counting looks. So we beam at each other, yes? :P
Hehehe... 'tis true, I have no shame when it comes to flattery. Deserving people should have their egos stroked! =]
Do NOT repeat not send pictures. I'll scan a R: Rankin book cover and you can say: NO! YES! A bit. Not much. Whatever.
Aw. Well, as you wish. :)
I'm quite leery of photos on the net. A friend of mine got her photo highjacked and used shamelessly in all kinds of contexts not all of which were to her liking and I tend to paranoia.
I'd never do that! Uhm... but you only have my word on that, I suppose... ^_^;; Yeah, okay, I see your point.
How can watching Rocky Horror Picture Show traumatise an intelligent person? *is severe* Admit you hated the music and let's be done with it.
I can't remember the music. I can just remember everyone, male or female, secretely wanting to be fucked by the creepy guy in all the makeup. And that's just the parts I haven't managed to suppress all memory of. ^_^;;