I'm baaaack!

[flyingskull]

Well, I went to Paris to see m'sister and then to Kingston to see me nan. Had great and glorious fun and drank to excess to celebrate renewed mobility. Managed to peep into the net once or twice, but for once RL was being wonderful and methinks I deserved a vacation.

Now am back, happy to be back and happy to continue the Massacre of Shakespeare. IOW, here's



THE GREAT HALL

The Fat Friar is wondering lost in thoughts, to him Harry.

HARRY
Good morrow, father.

FAT FRIAR
Benedicite.

HARRY
Huh?

FAT FRIAR
Bless you, son. What art thou doing up so early?

HARRY
Er... I actually...

FAT FRIAR
Ah. I was wrong, but now I hit it right
Our Harry hath not been in bed tonight.

HARRY
Yep. *sighs happily*

FAT FRIAR
God pardon sin! Wast thou with Cho Chang?

HARRY
With Cho Chang? My ghostly father, no.

FAT FRIAR
That's my good son. But where hast thou been, then?

HARRY
I have been feasting with mine enemy
When on a sudden a boy hath wounded me
That's by me wounded. Both our remedies
Within thy help and holy penguins lies…

FAT FRIAR
Penguins?

HARRY
Sorry, I had to put penguins in a fair bit to get that pointy brat to listen to me, but…

FAT FRIAR
Pointy brat? Hast thou forgotten Cho so easily?

HARRY
Yeah, well, I suppose it was boys all the way even before.
But this I pray
That thou consent to marry us today.

FAT FRIAR
Holy Great Merlin! What a change is here!
That Cho Chang that thou dist love so dear
So soon forsaken? Now thou boys dost love?
And art thou changed? Wast thou false before?
Art thou false now? Wilt thou marry a boy?
Wast poor Cho Chang nothing but a toy?

HARRY
WILT THOU STOP WITH ALL OF THIS CHO RUBBISH? She cried at me all the time while my pointy boy sneers, snarks and blabs of penguins. I know true love when I see it. And so do my wobbly bits. Humph.

FAT FRIAR
*soothing* Tell'st me all, then, young Harry. Come… (exeunt)

Enter Hermione and Ron

HERMIONE
Were the devil should our Harry be? Came he not in the dorm room tonight?

RON
Nope. Zabini hath sent a letter.

HERMIONE
A challenge, on my life.

RON
Harry will answer it.

HERMIONE
Alas, poor Harry, he's already dead: stabbed with a she-seeker's black eye, the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind boy's butt-shaft…

RON
What's with you and arses, 'Mione?

HERMIONE
Oh God, give me patience! A butt-shaft is an arrow to shoot at targets which art called butts. Nothing to do with arses as such, Ron!

RON
Oh, sorry. Dost go on, then.

HERMIONE
And is he a man to encounter Zabini?

RON
'Course he is! He almost offed Voldemort!

HERMIONE
Yes, well, but Zabini is a very King o' Cats! Even Crookshanks avoids him like the plague. He's a duellist! You know…

RON
No, I don't. He's a bloody Death Eater in training, that's what he is!

HERMIONE
Exactly. He's well versed in the Dark Arts! Ah, the immortal Crucio, the Calcitro Genitalia, the Buggeratus!

RON
How come you know all those Dark spells?

HERMIONE
Oh… Ah… I… I study. A lot. Yes, that's it. I study Dark Hexes so we can counter them. Yes.

RON
Here comes Harry! Here comes Harry!

HERMIONE
(aside) Whew. And not a second too late. (to Harry) Harry! Were have you been? You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.

RON
Is the 'feit' a Dark Jinx?

HARRY
What the…? Oh, never mind. What counterfeit did I give you?

HERMIONE
The slip, Harry, the slip. Can you not conceive?

HARRY
Oh God, not you too! What's this sudden fixation on MPREG? I WILL NOT BEAR ANYONE'S CHILDREN! IS THAT CLEAR!?

HERMIONE
Good heavens, Harry, dost learn to control thy mood swings. I was only punning.

HARRY
Sorry. I was thinking of something else. Let's pun by all means.

HERMIONE
On second thoughts let's not. A punning dialogue can be awfully dreary.

HARRY
And one never gets the point.

HERMIONE
But we may get points by studying hard.

RON
There's nothing more hard than studying, good Hermione.

HARRY
And if we don't there will be points taken.

HERMIONE
Which will be just as hard to countenance.

RON
My countenance is hard enough as it is: watch me scowl.

HARRY
DON'T YOU DARE STEAL MY SCOWLTM RON! MINE IS THE SCOWL OF SUFFERING THINGS YOU CAN'T EVEN CONCEIVE OF!

HERMIONE
Oh thank goodness, now art thou the Harry we know and love! Now art thou what thou art, a grumpy socially impaired hero! Now thou art what thou art by art as well as by Nature…

RON
Stop there! Stop there!

HARRY
Thanks, Ron. Sorry about the capslock.

RON
Oh, well. Thou art Harry, after all.

Enter Snape with his man Peter

SNAPE
Peter!

PETER
Anon.

SNAPE
*glacial* I am getting tired of all this anons.

PETER
I meant, what can I do for you?

SNAPE
Better. Give me my Death Eater mask.

HERMIONE
Good Peter, to hide his face, for his mask is the fairer face.

RON
*mutters* Greasy-haired git.

SNAPE
Good ye good morrow, children.

HERMIONE
Good ye good e'en, fair Professor.

RON
(aside to Harry) 'Fair'? Ha! Fair to his favourites, she means.

SNAPE
Is it e'en? Studying has been addling your wits, Miss Granger. Ten points from Gryffindor for not knowing the time.

RON
(aside to Harry) See? See? Greasy-haired git.

HERMIONE
But I do know the time, professor. Look, the bawdy hand of time is now upon the prick of noon.

SNAPE
MISS GRANGER!

HERMIONE
Everybody underestimates me. I do possess a wit.

SNAPE
What you do possess, Miss Granger, is a mind like a sewer. Now piss off, the two of you, I need to have a word with Potter.

HARRY
Go, please, I will follow you.

HERMIONE
But Harry…!

Ron grabs Hermione and drags her away.

SNAPE
What's got into Granger, Potter?

HARRY
No idea. The fact is she doth love to hear herself talk and will speak more in a minute than she will stand to in a month.

SNAPE
If she speaks anything against me I'll send Gryffindor into negative points. And you, sirrah, what were you doing standing like a lump when she was coarse at me? And thou must stand by too and suffer every student to use me at her pleasure?

PETER
I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had my wand should quickly have been out. But it was a woman, nay a wenchlet that used you thus unkindly and the law will not allow me to hex her.

SNAPE
Now, afore Merlin I am so vexed that every part of me quivers. Scurvy rat Wormtail! Wait until I tell our Lord you cringed from duty thus! Ahem. Potter, my young dragon bid me enquire you out. But first let me tell ye, if ye should lead him in a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind of behaviour, as they say; for the gentleman is young.

HARRY
Professor, commend me to thy student and godson. I protest unto thee…

SNAPE
I will tell him as much. Merlin, but he'll have one of his murderous tantrums!

HARRY
*scared* What wilt thou tell him, Professor? Thou dost not mark me.

SNAPE
I will tell him, Potter, that you do protest. It will be more than enough.

HARRY
No, pray! Bid him to come to the Room of Requirement this afternoon and there he'll be married.

SNAPE
Married, Potter?

HARRY
Tell him I swear it on penguins.

SNAPE
Oh, very well, he'll be there. You know, no matter how I exalt the Dark Lord to him, he'd as life see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger him sometimes and tell him that Voldemort is the properer man, but I warrant you, when I say so he looks as pale as any clout in the versal world...

HARRY
Huh?

SNAPE
As any cloth in the universe. What my Draco sees in thee, thou thick-headed buffoon, I'll never understand. But enough of prattling with a prat. He'll be there this afternoon. Peter!

PETER
Ano… (is stopped by Snape's Glare of CrucioTM) Yes, sir?

SNAPE
Before, and apace.

They storm out.

SLYTHERIN DORM

DRACO
Why is not Severus back yet? Breakfast hath been over for ages! I am NOT a patient person, he should know this well. Yet he tarries Merlin knows where with that disgusting Wormtail doing Merlin knows what… Ugh, I could have done without that image. Ugh ugh ugh. Ah, here he comes!
Severus! Oh honey Severus, what news?
Hast thou met him? Send that rat away!

SNAPE
Sod off, Peter.

Peter sods off.

DRACO
Now good sweet Snape… Oh Lord, why look'st thou so sad?
Though news be sad, yet tell them merrily,
If good, thou sham'st the music of sweet news
By playing it to me with so sour a face.

SNAPE
I am aweary, give me leave awhile.
Fie how my bones ache!

DRACO
I would thou hast my bones and I thy news!

SNAPE
Jesu what haste! Canst thou not stay awhile?

DRACO
NO!

SNAPE
Lord, how my head aches! What a head have I!
It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces.

DRACO
That can be arranged.

SNAPE
My back, o' the other side… ah, my back, my back!
Beshrew your heart for sending me about
And disrespecting me, see if I tell you aught.

DRACO
Tell me what Harry said!

SNAPE
Your love says, like a honest gentleman,
And a courteous, and a kind, and a handsome,
And I warrant a virtuous… Where is your mother?

DRACO
'Where is my mother'? Has he gone quite mental?
'Your love says like a honest gentleman
"Where is your mother"!?'

SNAPE
Oh poor Draco dear! Are you so hot?
Henceforward do your messages yourself.

DRACO
WHAT THE DEVIL DID HARRY SAY!? STOP TORTURING ME YOU INSUFFERABLE SADIST!

SNAPE
I am a Death Eater, my poppet. And you forgot the magic word to power the spell.

DRACO
*mutters* Insufferably smug sadist… *sighs* Very well. Please, kind Severus, please tell me what my Harry said. PLEASE, ALRIGHT?

SNAPE
Go to the Room of Requirement. There stays a husband to make you a… another husband, I suppose.

DRACO
Really?

SNAPE
He swore on penguins.

DRACO
Penguins! Oh, then I fly! (impetuously hugs and kisses Snape) Sweet, sweet Severus, farewell! (runs off)

SNAPE
My poppet is an engaging scamp and that sodding Boy Who Got All The Perks is one lucky bastard. (pause) This OOCness is killing me! Oh my head!

ROOM OF REQUIREMENT

HARRY
(yawns)

FAT FRIAR
(unheeding) … Long love doth so.
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.

HARRY
What?

FAT FRIAR
Oh, never mind.
Here comes the young man, oh so light a foot
Will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint…

HARRY
Flint? He's STILL here? Will that wretch NEVER finish school?

FAT FRIAR
I was alluding to the floor, young Harry.

HARRY
Sorry, I was enraptured by the sight of my pointy love.

DRACO
Good even to my ghostly confessor.

FAT FRIAR
Harry shall thank thee, my son, for us both.

DRACO
As much to him else is his thanks too much.

HARRY
Ah, Draco, if the measure of thy joy
Be heap'd like mine, and that thy skill be more
To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath
The neighbour air and let rich music's tongue
Unfold the imagin'd happiness that both
Receive in either by this dear encounter.

DRACO
*puzzled* You want me to sing?

HARRY
Um… no? That was poetic imagery.

DRACO
(narrows eyes) Art thou implying I can not sing?

HARRY
I'm sure thou art more melodious than a dying swan.

DRACO
Alright then.
Conceit more rich in matter than in words
Brings of his substance, not of ornament.
They are but Weasleys that can count their worth,
But my true love is grown to such excess
It's even richer than all the Malfoy wealth
Which can't be counted in less than a year.
My love so far surpasseth all on Earth
That even much-loved penguins will envy thee.

HARRY
Thou lov'st me more than penguins? Oh Draco!

They snog passionately

FAT FRIAR
Ahem.
Come, come with me and we will make short work
For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone
Till holy magic incorp'rate two in one.

End of ACT II

TBC

Comments

[flyingskull.livejournal.com]

Ah Moorcock! How I loved Elric! Alright was VERY young, about six or seven, methinks, but I adored Elric! He was so albino! And weak! And pointy! And had red eyes! RED EYES! And had Stormbringer! And was an unmitigated ass and a serial killer and all for CHAOS! Wheee!

AND he wasn't a Sue. Which is kind of miraculous. I especially loved the one where he was captured by pirates. Elric and PIRATES! Squee!

Ahem. Sorry. I have a thing for unlikely characters.

You see, Maya and I ain't friends, I mean I don't know her from Adam, BUT we like the same kind of characters in literature most of the time and that creates a bond which is why I heart her so much.

How did Maya get dragged into a fangurl squee at Elric?

[baeraad.livejournal.com]

I've read some Elric. :) And I got to say, the idea of him kind of sticks in your head. Pale, regal, endlessly bitter and self-pitying, prone to killing you more because he can't think of a reason not to do it than because he has any real reason to do it... "Blood and souls for Arioch!" =]

I'm less fond of the actual stories. Elric is a great character, but he doesn't seem to interact with any other characters of much interest - and as such, he turns into an interesting character who does rather dull things. Or so I get the impression. I haven't read that much, just Elric of Melniboné and the two books with that German count who's a descendent of Elric's.

Mind you, maybe I'll hit Elric again sometime soon. After Proven Guilty, I think I've had my fill of authors who write well but have no interesting ideas for a while. Let's take a look at their opposites, at least I might get inspired to some fun fanfiction. =]

You see, Maya and I ain't friends, I mean I don't know her from Adam, BUT we like the same kind of characters in literature most of the time and that creates a bond which is why I heart her so much.

Not sure what sort of characters I like. (as you've noted, I tend to think in terms of stories, not of characters. ^_^; ) Morally ambivalent ones, I guess. And strong female ones.

How did Maya get dragged into a fangurl squee at Elric?

I don't rightly know. But if I were to make an educated guess it'd be that it's because you've read not only one, but two chapters of DDG recently, and so your naturally associate her with squee. :)

[flyingskull.livejournal.com]

Well Elric... He's like Gambit in a way, he's got a piece of my heart for no discernible reasons but that, perhaps, I'd much rather have an intelligent and witty/morose man with a sense of justice and ethics even if he can't actually practise what he senses but is always generous to the point of prodigality of his self than a million moral self-righteous bores or hypocrites.

Which is why I like Draco, I mean he's like Remy exactly in having let the demons in so they destroy innocent people, except that sodding Rowling makes that such a non-event that I can't see what Draco has to berate himself for, maybe for the idea of having done it. At least Remy's action led to a bona fide massacre so he has a real reason for self-loathing. Or not, as the Marvel series may be. I HATE MARVEL! [/rant]

So you see, that's why I keep on rather loving Elric of the self-pitying whinge and murderous indifference and neverending quests for things he can't have. He's got a friend, whassname... mudblood? No really something like that... AAAAAH! Moongloom. It reads rather like Gilgamesh and his beast-like love... er friend. I slash even Sumerian Epics from thousands of years ago. Boy was Fantasy invented early!

Explain the rilly rilly rilly ambiguous 'strong female' thing, please. I hope you don't mean a woman who kills as many people as a man in a story. No alright, I KNOW you don't mean that, but what do you mean? Actually?

[baeraad.livejournal.com]

Well Elric...

I agree about prefering someone who isn't all he thinks he should be and admits it over someone who isn't either but doesn't. =] Dunno about Remy, I'm a DC guy. Can I substitute Green Arrow? ;)

No... that's probably not the same thing (for starters, Green Arrow's screwups are always on a personal level - he's a very good superhero, he's just not a very good person). Actually, DC is sort of low on tragic anti-heroes. I'll probably have to settle for Deadshot or something. =]

Mind you, a character who really is perfect is even more annoying than a hypocrite. (*mumblegrumbleSupermanmuttermumble*)

except that sodding Rowling makes that such a non-event that I can't see what Draco has to berate himself for

I'm currently typing up a post entitled "Why Sirius freaking Black doesn't count." It deals with Rowling's tendency to make non-events out of everything. You may enjoy it. =]

At least Remy's action led to a bona fide massacre so he has a real reason for self-loathing. Or not, as the Marvel series may be. I HATE MARVEL! [/rant]

(*laughs*) Explain? =]

I slash even Sumerian Epics from thousands of years ago.

You're a credit to slashers everywhere, my dear... =]

Explain the rilly rilly rilly ambiguous 'strong female' thing, please.

Oh dear, did I step in something now...? ^_^; But what I mean with "strong female characters" are ones who knows their own minds, makes their own decisions, and has some ability to attain their desires and deal with the events of their lives. You know? They don't just tag along and clean up other people's messes, and they don't wait around for someone to rescue them. They do things and they achieve things and they do it for their own reasons.

And, yes, I do think it's more fun to see such female characters wielding power, because power is cool and strong women are cool and if you put them together you get the square of cool, which makes me happy. =] But I don't measure power by maximum potential bodycount, no. :P

[flyingskull.livejournal.com]

Well, Remy/Gambit has a hell of a lot of power, he's got a bad childhood, he don't realte well to reality, he don't want all the power so he goes to evil bad guy who's got a fixation on power and clones and he asks bad guy to take off the excess of power. which bad guy does but he has a price which is lots of favours as Remy is a Master Thief - loooooong loooooong story accept it - and one of the things is that Remy lead a group of people knows as The Marauders (Yep, preceeding Rowling way way back) to a group of hidden mutants known as the Morlocks (because someone sometimes has read H G Wells) who are rather pitiful specimens, no IMMENSE power here, just rather pathetic beings with odd manifestations. Remy thinks bad guy wants blood specimens to make clones with and leads Marauders, also because he knows some of them and they ain't that bad. MISTAKE. Actual Marauders are all evil clones made by bad guys and once in the tunnels where Morlocks live, they proceed to exterminate them all. SHOCK! Gambit manages to get one little girl out and two other boys survive. All the rest are gone.

Guilt is inevitable. Gambit tries to live with it anf joins X-Men (which is Marvel title) for a while unexposed, but at a point other Bad Guy Rilly Rilly BAD stages a trial and the whole sorry Morlock Massacre story comes out. As a result Remy is abandoned half naked in Antarctica by the love of his life to die.

That was one nice storyline, BTW. But you can see the parallels if you kind of forget that the entry of DE at Hogwarts did not at all - as it should have been logical - result in a massacre. Just a scarred TEH SEXXOR WEASEL face. A non event, as I said. In Draco's shoes I wouldn't waste more than a hour of angst on the thing. If the DE had killed Ginny, fer example, I'd have uncorked the bubbly and got a celebratory drunk you can't even imagine.

Am now going to read your clearly masterful essay and will shut up.

[baeraad.livejournal.com]

so he goes to evil bad guy who's got a fixation on power and clones

MISTER SINISTER! :D

Ahem. ^_^; Sorry, I realised that I did know the bones of that story, I've just never heard the details before. And I love Sinister. He's so absolutely creepy and relentless. There's something so very disturbing about a guy who thinks you are, basically, a lab rat. =]

And yeah, agree with you on how that story is interesting. I do like the X-Men, even if I never manage to get into it. And now I'm not sure I want to get into it, because from what I hear, Marvel's messed that setting up but good. There's only like 200 mutants left? What? How? Why? ^_^;;;

But anyway, I do love characters who's messed up royally and who has to deal with it.

If the DE had killed Ginny, fer example, I'd have uncorked the bubbly and got a celebratory drunk you can't even imagine.

Oh, absolutely. Cheers. :D To be honest, I'd have settled for, you know, any deaths. I don't care which characters, just as long as there were lots of them. Give me some random carnage, darn it! ^_^;;

Am now going to read your clearly masterful essay and will shut up.

I'm all for your reading my essays, but you shutting up is always a pity. :) Come on, don't you know I treasure every word that leaves your... uhm... keyboard, in this case, but the principle still applies. =]

[flyingskull.livejournal.com]

Yup. Mister Sinister, a perfectly good villain with the stupidest name in creation which is even worse because he's actually the Earl of Essex which is a very good name and a hitorical one as well. Sometimes the sheer idiocy of Stan Lee is a thing of utter wonder.

Marvel now has the bad habit or rewriting everything so that it's much much worse than it was when they wrote it first. I actually stopped buying their comics because they've ruined them: once they used to have PEOPLE in them, superheroes but human, really. I loved the birth of Spiderman, a superhero Who Has To Make Ends Meet. It wsa nice having someone with cash problems, y'know? *is nostalgic* Now they write Superwankers who are no better than DC's. Only good thing DC ever did is... wait for it... VERTIGO! Yes, alright because of Sandman, but really not only because of him. Vertigo has good things going... at least it had, am not too sure about the new things.

Oh, absolutely. Cheers. :D To be honest, I'd have settled for, you know, any deaths. I don't care which characters, just as long as there were lots of them. Give me some random carnage, darn it! ^_^;;

Well, that, for once, wouldn't have been random at all, y'know? DEs enter school, massacre innocent childrens are finally smashed by Our Pluck Secondary Heroes and carted away to durance vile. Meanwhile our Beloved Hero Draco the Tormented has to deal with having actually killed someone which would be nice because as things stand he has to deal with having failed to kill anyone which makes him equal to the Great Harry Potter and so would extempt him from feeling anything more than a fleeting sense of dread, soon forgotten and would authorise him to fell a lovely sense of accomplishment and capability as he's able to repair a magical artefact none of the most able wizards and witches have been able to repair, no matter how powerful or all-knowing they are. I say the only guilty party in all the sorry mess is Dumbledore. So there.

[baeraad.livejournal.com]

Stan Lee had some really great ideas. And then he had some really dumb ideas. My personal pet peeve is Iron Man.

(*sighs*) I mean, the setup was just so beautiful. Here's this guy, he's got it all, he's rich, he's famous, he's got to beat the ladies off with a stick, and he's done it all by inventing horrendous weapons of mass destruction. And then he steps on a landmine and gets so wounded that he can only survive by creating that armour for himself. And the armour keeps him alive and makes him incredibly powerful, but he's never, ever getting out of it.

It's just so perfect. You invent weapons? Well, how do you like a taste of your own medicine? And hey, that's not all - now you are a weapon, and you're never, ever going to be anything other than a weapon!

Imagine the possibilities of a character like that!

Better yet, don't imagine it, because you won't get it. In the next issue, it turns out that the stupid guy only needs to keep the breastplate on. So he can still keep living large without a care in the world. And as for learning any kind of lesson, never! When an American steps on a landmine, it's a tragedy, sure. When a Communist steps on a landmine, it's a glorious victory!

(*sighs*)

I do kind of like what Iron Man turned into in the end, which is a sort of metaphor for human ingenuity and frailty, but still... oh, for what could have been!

I actually stopped buying their comics because they've ruined them: once they used to have PEOPLE in them, superheroes but human, really. I loved the birth of Spiderman, a superhero Who Has To Make Ends Meet. It wsa nice having someone with cash problems, y'know?

Yep. :D I love having a superhero feel like a complete loser. It's easy to be a hero when everything's going great and people are cheering for you and all you really have to do is go out there and beat on the bad guy. Bit harder when you're not even doing so great at being a normal person. =]

And I agree, I was a bit shocked to see that he's apparently a fancy Avenger now. It seems... wrong, somehow. ^_^; Though I'm still enjoying The Other: Evolve or die, since there he's still getting kicked around by the world in a way that all his connections can't help him with. Which is sort of the point of the story, I guess - even living in a luxury apartment, he's still basically a bug in the great scheme of things. =]

Only good thing DC ever did is... wait for it... VERTIGO!

Vertigo produces some good stuff, though right now I'm still smarting from Fables... =]

Incidentally, how do you feel about Alan Moore?

Well, that, for once, wouldn't have been random at all, y'know?

No, I just meant random in the sense of who died. =] I agree with you. Actual consequences for actual actions - that's not so much to ask, one would think. =]