More Tragedy

[flyingskull]

Will witter on about my travels in a later post, also comment on Maya's new fics - long overdue - but first, as it's all ready, let's have more tragedy... alright, alright, pastiche.

ROMEO AND JULIET, HOGWARTS STYLE

ACT III

THE ENTRANCE HALL

RON
I pray thee, good Hermione, let's retire;
The day is hot, the Slythers are abroad
And if we meet, we shall not 'scape a brawl
For now these hot day is the mad blood stirring.


HERMIONE
Thou art like one of those fellows that, when he enters the confines of a classroom, claps me his wand upon the desk and says: "Merlin send me no need of thee!" and then, by the operation of the second point taken, draws upon his classmate when indeed there is no need.

RON
Am I like such a fellow? Thou mistakest me for the Twins, I'faith!

HERMIONE
Nay, thou art as hot a Gryff in thy mood as any fellow in Hogwarts. Thou wouldst rather be quarrelling than reading Hogwarts, a History; thou wouldst rather be dodging bludgers than spend time in the Library! And yet thou wilt tutor me from quarrelling.

RON
At least I don't scar people for life.

HERMIONE
What? How durst thee ejaculate such things to me?

RON
(aside) Were that I could ejaculate more than words into thee! But alas, I must forever be mute. (to Hermione) An I were so apt to quarrel as thou art… By my head, here come the Slytherins!

HERMIONE
By my sweet Fanny I care not.

Enter Zabini, Parkinson and Bulstrode

BLAISE
Follow me close, for I will speak to them.
Gryffindors good e'en, a word with one of you.

HERMIONE
And but one word with one of us? Couple it with something, make it a word and a swish.

BLAISE
Art thou insinuating I swish?

HERMIONE
Ay, good King o' Cats, and more than thy wand, I'd wager. Thou art as swishy as a prettily swishing thing.

BLAISE
(aside to Pansy) Oh that I were not so taken with my purpose and could cut that insolent tongue! (to Hermione) Mudblood, thou consortest with Harry Potter.

RON
Grrrr…!

HERMIONE
Consort? What, dost thou make us minstrels? And thou make minstrels of us, look to hear nothing but discord! Here's my fiddlestick (produces wand), here that shall make you dance! Tarantellallegra! (muttering) Zounds! 'Mudblood'!

Blaise dances gracefully.

RON
We talk here in the public hall of school
Either withdraw unto some private place
Or reason coldly of your grievances
Or else depart. Here all eyes gaze on us.

HERMIONE
Men's eyes were made to look and let them gaze
I will not budge for no man's pleasure, I.

Enter Harry. Looks in horror at Blaise dancing and performs a quick Finite.

BLAISE
(adjusting robe)
Potter, the love I bear thee can afford
No better term than this: thou art a villain.

HARRY
O Blaise, the reason that I have to love thee
Doth much excuse the appertaining rage
To such a greeting: villain am I none
Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.

HERMIONE
Oh, calm, dishonourable, vile submission!
A swish-and-flick carries it away!
Zabini, you Mrs Morris, will you walk?

BLAISE
What wouldst thou have with me?

HERMIONE
Good King of Cats nothing but one of your nine lives. Will you pluck your wand out of your sleeve? Make haste, lest mine be about your wobblies ere it be out. (draws)

BLAISE
I am for you. (draws)

HARRY
Gentle Hermione, put your wand up!

HERMIONE
Not on your life, he called me a Mudblood!

HARRY
Come, Ron, draw and shout Expelliarmus! Hermione, Blaise, for shame, forbear this outrage! Come, Ron! I taught you that spell in the DA!
Blaise, Hermione! The Headmaster expressly hath
Forbid this bandying in Hogwarts' Hallowed Halls!
Hold Blaise! Good Hermione!

HERMIONE
AAAAAAGH!

PANSY
Away, Blaise!

Blaise, Pansy and Millicent run away

HERMIONE
I am hurt.
A plague on both your houses, I am sped!

RON
What? Art thou hurt?

HERMIONE
Art thou an imbecile? Of course I'm hurt! Go, cretin! Fetch Madame Pomfrey!

HARRY
Courage, Witch, the hurt cannot be much.

HERMIONE
God, but thou art oblivious, Harry! No, 'tis not deep as a well nor so wide as a church door, but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave woman. A plague on both your houses! Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm!

HARRY
I thought it for the best.

HERMIONE
You thought? Whenever has thou taken a moment to think, Harry? A plague on both houses! A plague on all houses in Hogwarts! Yea, even unto the cannon-fodder house and the impotent house! A PLAGUE ON ALL HOUSES SAYS I! (hexes everything in sight)

Cries and diverse alarums from several students

RON
(ducking hexes)
Sweet Hermione, careful were thou pointest that thing!

HERMIONE
A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!

RANDOM HUFFLEPUFFS
AAAAAAAGH!

RANDOM GRYFFINDORS
GAAAAH!

HARRY
(ducking hexes)
Blaise! Thou hast killed Hermione!

BLAISE
(ducking hexes)
I WISH I HAD! WHY CAN'T SHE STAY KILLED?

HERMIONE
And a plague on House Gryffindor! An a plague on House Slytherin! And a plague on House Hufflepuff! And a plague on House Ravenclaw, the stuck-up bastards!

RANDOM RAVENCLAW
EEEEEEEK!

RANDOM SLYTHERIN
Alas, for I am dead! Ripped untimely from youth, beauty and the joys of life…

RON
Slytherins! Bloody drama queens to a man! Die, already!

RANDOM SLYTHERIN
… all will shed teeeeEEEEAAAAAAGH!

HERMIONE
At last! AND A PLAGUE ON ALL YOUR FILTHY HOUSES! AND A PLAGUE…!

RON
(ducking hexes like mad)
MAKE HER STOP! MAKE HER STOP!

HARRY
(sighs)
Expelliarmus!

HERMIONE
GAAAAH!

HARRY
Take her to Madame Pomfrey, good Ron.

Ron drags Hermione away

HARRY
This gentlewoman, the Headmaster's ally,
My very friend, hath got this mortal hurt
In my behalf – my reputation stain'd
With Blaise's slander – Blaise that just an hour
Hath been my cousin-in-law. O sweet Draco!
They beauty hath made me effeminate
And in my temper soften'd valour's steel.
I doubt I have enough of valour left
To do thee justice in the marriage bed!

RON
Oh Harry, Harry! Sweet Hermione's dead!
She was so incens'd by Blaise's underarm hit
She hexéd Pomfrey and so lost her life.

Blaise re-enters carefully. Hearing Ron's lament, he straightens and struts.

HARRY
Yes, well, at least our friend hath stoppéd cursing
All of fair Hogwarts' Houses with a plague.

RON
She was my secret love! You must avenge
Her death on that bloody Death-Eater-in-training slimy Slytherin!

HARRY
Ron, thy line dost not scan.

RON
Who the hell cares about scanning! I want blood! Here comes that sodding Zabini back again!

HARRY
Away to Heaven be respective lenity
And fire-ey'd fury be my conduct now!

RON
Ah, now thou art back to thy very self! Kill the bastard!

HARRY
AVADA KEDAVRA!

BLAISE
Urgle. (dies)

RON
Harry! Away! Be gone!
The students are all up and Blaise be slain!

HARRY
A little consistency would not be too much to ask, methinks. First thou wantest me to kill the bastard and now must I flee?

RON
Stand not amaz'd, Dumbly will doom thee Azkaban
If thou art taken. Hence, be gone, away!

HARRY
Oh, I am Fortune's fool. (exits)

RON
(rubbing his hands)
That's both eliminated from my life, then. Maybe I can get some peace and quiet now. I had it up to here with being nagged to death and treated like some sort of minion. 'Ron So Pathetic'! Ha! That's shown them how pathetic I am!

TBC

Comments

[baeraad.livejournal.com]

She returns! :D Hey, how've you been? :)

Will you pluck your wand out of your sleeve? Make haste, lest mine be about your wobblies ere it be out. (draws)

Hermione has an unhealthy fixation with going for the wobblies. Well, unhealthy for any man she happens to get annoyed with, at least... ^_^;;

HARRY
(ducking hexes)
Blaise! Thou hast killed Hermione!

BLAISE
(ducking hexes)
I WISH I HAD! WHY CAN'T SHE STAY KILLED?

(*LAUGHS*) Apparently, trying to fight Hermione is about as sensible as firing bullets into a nuclear missile... =]

Not that I know what happens if you do that, I must admit. Possibly nothing. But I can't say I'd be inclined to experiment. =]

RON
(rubbing his hands)
That's both eliminated from my life, then. Maybe I can get some peace and quiet now. I had it up to here with being nagged to death and treated like some sort of minion. 'Ron So Pathetic'! Ha! That's shown them how pathetic I am!

(*tries not to choke with laughter*)

Oh. That's just perfect. (*laughs*) Run is the mastermind! Everyone else are just his little chess pieces! =]

[flyingskull.livejournal.com]

Hey luv! I've been well but VERY busy. How is me favourite Swede?

Hermione has unhealthy fixations alright. ;)

Apparently, trying to fight Hermione is about as sensible as firing bullets into a nuclear missile

Well, I'd think it depends on the missile. Technically it shouldn't explode and wreck havock for a few bullets and if it's exploding already one would think they'd have no effect whatsoever so... yep, as sensible as firing bullets into a nuclear missile. In fact she has to self-destruct at the end.

P.S. Am betaing your first half of first chapter and will be back to you soon. Am commiserating on exile and durance vile, but that is life for you.

P.P.S. I KNEW you'd like Dialogues Isn't Rye a spiffy one and Dalziel (pronounced DEE-el) and Franny Roote are utter LOVE!

Well, at the end of Romeo and Juliet Benvolio is the only one left standing amid the carnage. So we can deduct that Benvolio had a brain and was not so very bad at manipulating people. And as Ron is Benvolio... :-D

[baeraad.livejournal.com]

Your favourite Swede is sickly but recovering. =] And having an Internet connection (albeit a very slow one) again does wonders for my mood. =]

Am betaing your first half of first chapter and will be back to you soon.

Please do. I'm anxious to know what you think about my heroine. =]

Am commiserating on exile and durance vile, but that is life for you.

Do tell? :)

I KNEW you'd like Dialogues

You were quite correct, though I'd be interested in how you knew. :)

Isn't Rye a spiffy one

Rye is very cool. :D And I love Hat Bowler, twit that he is. Willing to do anything if it might prove to "the way into Rye's heart and/or bed," mehehehehhe... Hat's a man with small demands on life, he's happy with whatever he can get. =]

I was sorry to see Jax Ripley go. She was a lot of fun, amoral bitch that she was. =]

Actually, she examplifies what I like about the book in general. Jax was almost a villain, but she was very human - she had likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, opinions, the works. She was a person, and you don't expect characters like that to be people. It's the mark of a good author when they are. :)

[flyingskull.livejournal.com]

I knew you'd like it because... but you said it yourself later on, din't you? Because R. Hill is a hell of a fantastic author.

I love all his characters, actually and yes, Hat is a darling as he should be, Jax is lots of fun and ALL of them are real people.

There's a sequel, y'know? Death's Jest Book. I mean, the Dalziel and Pascoe are a series, but in this specific case, Death's Jest Book is the second part of Dialogues of the Dead.

[baeraad.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. =]

Hmm, I'll have to pick that one up, then... :) Though it will have to come after that other book I promised you I'd pick up and... that I can't... currently recall the name for, ehehehehe... ^_^;; Help?

[flyingskull.livejournal.com]

Look, get Death's Jest Book. Forget anything other blathering of mine. You need to know what happens to Rye and Hat and Franny, don't you? :P

Fuck, but I do LOVE Reginald Hill!

[baeraad.livejournal.com]

Hehehehe... okay, consider it done. :)