YAY! On a roll!
Sep. 14th, 2005 01:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flyingskullRight, I've decided that if I never start that blasted parody because it isn't all done, I'll never finish it so here it goes... squelching.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, they are owned by their legitimate and copyrighted authors. I haven't seen and do not want to see the films about them, so don't expect film thingies to appear here. As a parodist, I have access to situations and characters not created by me, though, of course, the entire demented story is the fruit of my brains, such as they are.
NOTE: This is a parody of canon and fanon of HP, LOTR and X-Men. It's – loosely, as befits a parody - based on the multiverse concept and, hopefully, will highlight the many similarities between the three universes. If it manages to be funny as well, well, that's a bonus. I sincerely hope so. The title is taken from an old Incredible String Band song. Kudos and virtual awards to all who know the song title.
WARNING: Though there isn't – nor will there be – any graphic sex in this, slash will be found. Also adult language. All those who disapprove of homosexual love and cuss words be warned that they will find both those 'distasteful' things here. There will also be implied literary criticism. Those who perceive the author as a deity may get a frisson or even a shock. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
HERE WE GO, SLYTHERIN…
(Here there be slash)
To my wonderful beta, Star, in memory of Mick; and to Cass, the best friend a person can have
“Mind the Marauders!” Scott barked at Chamber who seemed to be dead to the world, fascinated gaze fixed on the tableau at the edge of the battle.
Sinister stood, ragged cape blowing to an unseen wind, leering at the X-Men, while nimbly deflecting their assault. He seemed to be searching for something or someone.
Suddenly his red eyes glittered like jewels illuminated by the white arc lights of an asylum search-beam and he shouted, pointing his fingers at a slim, agile figure oddly unhampered by the long trenchcoat he was wearing.
“Gambit!” Sinister said, deftly projecting his voice to raise above the din of battle, “You are my son! Come to daddy!”
“NOOOOOO!” Remy capslocked wildly, shocked to the core. “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU! YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER!” He staggered back some steps and bumped into Xavier’s futuristic sled. “HE CAN’T BE, CAN HE?”
Xavier looked gravely to the young mutant and then to one of his arch-enemies and seemed to ponder a bit. “Well, “ he said, “The eye colour seems to point so, my young friend…”
“Is this the time to discuss genetics?” shouted Scott, much incensed. “Fight, X-Men! I want these damn Marauders down! Now!”
Suddenly there was no time to think, the Marauders acted like one and their assault was so overwhelming that the X-Men were forced back unto one another.
Sinister walked through his henchmen's onslaught like a hot knife through butter until he reached the knot of fighting mutants, bent on protecting their mentor.
He opened his ragged mantle, ready to englobe Gambit and said: "Mine!" with the finality of a coffin lid slamming shut. No amount of capslocking could have delayed the Master Thief's fate.
Chamber flared in protective anger and, at the same moment, Jean whomped into Phoenix flames. The two terrible forces collided and reality wavered.
"No! Jean, be caref…!" Scott yelled as an undescribable energy source cut all human utterances into white noise. A sound so loud it went beyond hearing shattered the universe into particles and rebuilt it anew.
But different.
But not the same.
Most assuredly not the same.
*
"Krot!" A thoroughly pissed off voice cut through the medley of grunts and moans filling the air. "What the krot happened? Where the krot are we? And will you krotting keep your krotting paws off me?" Remy LeBeau shoved brutally against Sinister. "I'm not your krotting son, you krotting pervert!"
"Shut up, Remy, " Jean said kindly. "Essex, leave Gambit alone. This isn't the time or place to indulge in petting."
"I'm not petting," Sinister's usual ice-cold voice was wavering with shock. "He's my son and I think I have a right to…"
"Shut up!" barked Scott. He looked at the still tightly knit knot of mutants, mentally ticking off names against a remembered roster. "Jean," he said, at long last, "Chamber, Gambit, Wolverine, Beast and me. Ah, yes," he added, distaste plain in his voice, "and Sinister."
Somewhat calmed by the roll-call, they all looked around. They were on a verdant hill, one of a series of verdant hills stretching, apparently, to infinity. There was nothing even remotely resembling a landmark or any sign of human habitation.
"Any idea of what happened, Hank?" Jean asked.
"Well, Jeanie," Beast replied slowly. "I'm not quite sure, but it seems that the interaction between your Phoenix fire and Jono's psionic energy may have set up an interdimensional portal keyed to both your unconscious desire to evacuate our resident thief into a reality that would resolve positively the quantum uncertainty of his parentage."
"What the…?" Wolverine growled. "Stop spitting dictionaries at us and talk like a normal person, bub!"
Hank sighed. "Some things can't be explained in two syllable words, Logan," he said.
"Yeh, they can!" Wolverine countered, belligerently. "Einstein said so."
They all stared, round-eyed, at the half-mustelid.
"What?" Logan said, annoyed. "I read loadsa books. So what? Wanna make something out of it, bubs?"
"No, of course," Hank said, a tad shellshocked. "You're right. Well, in lay terms…" He paused to think and then went on, magisterially. "You know that there are infinite universes all occupying more or less the same space…" he paused again and then resumed. "for a given definition of space, of course, but that's not important now. Jean and Jono wanted Remy safe and not the son of Sinister, so when their energies… collided, we were all transported into another universe."
"I'm not the pervert's son in any universe," Gambit stated flatly. "And even if I was in the Perverts' Universe, I would disown the mec."
"Yes, well," Scott had never been more conscious of the onus and responsibility of being Fearless Leader to a bunch of mutants who seemed never to have outgrown their teens, saving his lovely wife, of course. "We'll have to explore this reality. Hank, you think of a way to get us back home. Sinister, try anything and I'll personally fry you into a crisp." There, he thought, that should shut them up for a bit.
Grumbling, but willing, the X-men prepared to explore the boring countryside.
"LOOK!" Gambit capslocked again in surprise. "THERE ARE PEOPLE… SCRATCH THAT, BEINGS, COMING TOWARD US!"
"What's with you and the capslock, Cajun?" Wolverine asked angrily. "I've got sensitive ears."
"Sorry, chere, I was surprised," Gambit said.
Scott looked all round the horizon, but could see nothing. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I can't see a thing."
"I'm taller than you," Remy said, smugly. "I can see farther off."
"Okay, taller than me. Why did you say 'beings'?"
"Lots taller, mec," Gambit smirked. "You should see them by now. But there's one… two… three… four tall mecs, all headbangers by the length of their hair. One is old and wears a dress, the others look like extras in a Robin Hood movie. Then there are… five very short mecs. Odd looking very short mecs. One has a helmet with horns like a veeery very short Viking. Shorter than Wolvie here," he finished with a smirk.
"Spare us the commentary, my son," Sinister said. "I can see them too."
There was an ominous fizzle fizzle. A fuchsia-pink light changed Sinister's paper-white skin into something approaching a very allergic sunburn.
"Krotting stop the krotting son bullshit, chere," Gambit threatened, his smirk widening into a shark-like show of teeth.
"Well met on this green hill, strangers."
The sonorous greeting made them all jump.
"What the…?" Wolverine repeated himself.
"Distances can be deceptive on hilly ground," Hank said weakly. "Hello and well met. Allow me to present ourselves…"
"Not on your life!" Scott said testily. "I am the Fearless Leader and I present the group. We are the X-Men, Mutants who battle for a better future with humanity. Ah, yes," he added with the exact same distaste in his voice, "and this is Sinister. He's a villain. Nothing to do with us as such. He just got transported against our will."
"And he's NOT my father, no matter what he says," added, darkly, Gambit.
TBC
I know it's just the start, but I have to make meself do it!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, they are owned by their legitimate and copyrighted authors. I haven't seen and do not want to see the films about them, so don't expect film thingies to appear here. As a parodist, I have access to situations and characters not created by me, though, of course, the entire demented story is the fruit of my brains, such as they are.
NOTE: This is a parody of canon and fanon of HP, LOTR and X-Men. It's – loosely, as befits a parody - based on the multiverse concept and, hopefully, will highlight the many similarities between the three universes. If it manages to be funny as well, well, that's a bonus. I sincerely hope so. The title is taken from an old Incredible String Band song. Kudos and virtual awards to all who know the song title.
WARNING: Though there isn't – nor will there be – any graphic sex in this, slash will be found. Also adult language. All those who disapprove of homosexual love and cuss words be warned that they will find both those 'distasteful' things here. There will also be implied literary criticism. Those who perceive the author as a deity may get a frisson or even a shock. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
HERE WE GO, SLYTHERIN…
(Here there be slash)
To my wonderful beta, Star, in memory of Mick; and to Cass, the best friend a person can have
“Mind the Marauders!” Scott barked at Chamber who seemed to be dead to the world, fascinated gaze fixed on the tableau at the edge of the battle.
Sinister stood, ragged cape blowing to an unseen wind, leering at the X-Men, while nimbly deflecting their assault. He seemed to be searching for something or someone.
Suddenly his red eyes glittered like jewels illuminated by the white arc lights of an asylum search-beam and he shouted, pointing his fingers at a slim, agile figure oddly unhampered by the long trenchcoat he was wearing.
“Gambit!” Sinister said, deftly projecting his voice to raise above the din of battle, “You are my son! Come to daddy!”
“NOOOOOO!” Remy capslocked wildly, shocked to the core. “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU! YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER!” He staggered back some steps and bumped into Xavier’s futuristic sled. “HE CAN’T BE, CAN HE?”
Xavier looked gravely to the young mutant and then to one of his arch-enemies and seemed to ponder a bit. “Well, “ he said, “The eye colour seems to point so, my young friend…”
“Is this the time to discuss genetics?” shouted Scott, much incensed. “Fight, X-Men! I want these damn Marauders down! Now!”
Suddenly there was no time to think, the Marauders acted like one and their assault was so overwhelming that the X-Men were forced back unto one another.
Sinister walked through his henchmen's onslaught like a hot knife through butter until he reached the knot of fighting mutants, bent on protecting their mentor.
He opened his ragged mantle, ready to englobe Gambit and said: "Mine!" with the finality of a coffin lid slamming shut. No amount of capslocking could have delayed the Master Thief's fate.
Chamber flared in protective anger and, at the same moment, Jean whomped into Phoenix flames. The two terrible forces collided and reality wavered.
"No! Jean, be caref…!" Scott yelled as an undescribable energy source cut all human utterances into white noise. A sound so loud it went beyond hearing shattered the universe into particles and rebuilt it anew.
But different.
But not the same.
Most assuredly not the same.
*
"Krot!" A thoroughly pissed off voice cut through the medley of grunts and moans filling the air. "What the krot happened? Where the krot are we? And will you krotting keep your krotting paws off me?" Remy LeBeau shoved brutally against Sinister. "I'm not your krotting son, you krotting pervert!"
"Shut up, Remy, " Jean said kindly. "Essex, leave Gambit alone. This isn't the time or place to indulge in petting."
"I'm not petting," Sinister's usual ice-cold voice was wavering with shock. "He's my son and I think I have a right to…"
"Shut up!" barked Scott. He looked at the still tightly knit knot of mutants, mentally ticking off names against a remembered roster. "Jean," he said, at long last, "Chamber, Gambit, Wolverine, Beast and me. Ah, yes," he added, distaste plain in his voice, "and Sinister."
Somewhat calmed by the roll-call, they all looked around. They were on a verdant hill, one of a series of verdant hills stretching, apparently, to infinity. There was nothing even remotely resembling a landmark or any sign of human habitation.
"Any idea of what happened, Hank?" Jean asked.
"Well, Jeanie," Beast replied slowly. "I'm not quite sure, but it seems that the interaction between your Phoenix fire and Jono's psionic energy may have set up an interdimensional portal keyed to both your unconscious desire to evacuate our resident thief into a reality that would resolve positively the quantum uncertainty of his parentage."
"What the…?" Wolverine growled. "Stop spitting dictionaries at us and talk like a normal person, bub!"
Hank sighed. "Some things can't be explained in two syllable words, Logan," he said.
"Yeh, they can!" Wolverine countered, belligerently. "Einstein said so."
They all stared, round-eyed, at the half-mustelid.
"What?" Logan said, annoyed. "I read loadsa books. So what? Wanna make something out of it, bubs?"
"No, of course," Hank said, a tad shellshocked. "You're right. Well, in lay terms…" He paused to think and then went on, magisterially. "You know that there are infinite universes all occupying more or less the same space…" he paused again and then resumed. "for a given definition of space, of course, but that's not important now. Jean and Jono wanted Remy safe and not the son of Sinister, so when their energies… collided, we were all transported into another universe."
"I'm not the pervert's son in any universe," Gambit stated flatly. "And even if I was in the Perverts' Universe, I would disown the mec."
"Yes, well," Scott had never been more conscious of the onus and responsibility of being Fearless Leader to a bunch of mutants who seemed never to have outgrown their teens, saving his lovely wife, of course. "We'll have to explore this reality. Hank, you think of a way to get us back home. Sinister, try anything and I'll personally fry you into a crisp." There, he thought, that should shut them up for a bit.
Grumbling, but willing, the X-men prepared to explore the boring countryside.
"LOOK!" Gambit capslocked again in surprise. "THERE ARE PEOPLE… SCRATCH THAT, BEINGS, COMING TOWARD US!"
"What's with you and the capslock, Cajun?" Wolverine asked angrily. "I've got sensitive ears."
"Sorry, chere, I was surprised," Gambit said.
Scott looked all round the horizon, but could see nothing. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I can't see a thing."
"I'm taller than you," Remy said, smugly. "I can see farther off."
"Okay, taller than me. Why did you say 'beings'?"
"Lots taller, mec," Gambit smirked. "You should see them by now. But there's one… two… three… four tall mecs, all headbangers by the length of their hair. One is old and wears a dress, the others look like extras in a Robin Hood movie. Then there are… five very short mecs. Odd looking very short mecs. One has a helmet with horns like a veeery very short Viking. Shorter than Wolvie here," he finished with a smirk.
"Spare us the commentary, my son," Sinister said. "I can see them too."
There was an ominous fizzle fizzle. A fuchsia-pink light changed Sinister's paper-white skin into something approaching a very allergic sunburn.
"Krotting stop the krotting son bullshit, chere," Gambit threatened, his smirk widening into a shark-like show of teeth.
"Well met on this green hill, strangers."
The sonorous greeting made them all jump.
"What the…?" Wolverine repeated himself.
"Distances can be deceptive on hilly ground," Hank said weakly. "Hello and well met. Allow me to present ourselves…"
"Not on your life!" Scott said testily. "I am the Fearless Leader and I present the group. We are the X-Men, Mutants who battle for a better future with humanity. Ah, yes," he added with the exact same distaste in his voice, "and this is Sinister. He's a villain. Nothing to do with us as such. He just got transported against our will."
"And he's NOT my father, no matter what he says," added, darkly, Gambit.
TBC
I know it's just the start, but I have to make meself do it!
