flyingskull (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
flyingskull) wrote2006-12-25 06:29 pm
flyingskull) wrote2006-12-25 06:29 pm
Entry tags:
R & J, HOGWARTS STYLE - 3
Balcony scene! yay. I've made an unholy mess of it, was fun! Harry highjacks some of Juliet's lines for the purpose of parody and euphony. Hermione gets vulgar. Ron gets scandalised. Snape yells offscreen.
ACT II
B. BARON
Now old desire doth on his deathbed lie
And young affection gapes to be his heir:
The fair, for which love groaned and would not die,
With pointy Draco match'd is now not fair.
Now fickle Harry spurns girls for a guy
With silver eyes, dry wit and shiny hair.
Being held a foe he may not have access
To breath such vows as lovers use to swear
Draco, as much in love, his means much less
To meet his new beloved anywhere;
But passion lends them power, time means to meet
Tempering extremities with extreme sweet
And giving wings to the bright fluffy dove
Of their most famous tragic t00by love.
CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SLYTHERIN HOUSE
Harry alone
HARRY
Can I go Gryffinwards when my heart is here?
Thank Merlin I brought my Invisible Cloak with me. I must try and get into the Slytherin dorms and see my pointy love again. Oh, he is fair! And witty! And sexy! And obsessed with penguins which are almost impossible to fit into a sonnet. Woe! (dons Invisible Cloak)
Enter Ron and Hermione
RON
Harry! Harry!
HERMIONE
He's probably gone to bed.
RON
No, I saw him coming back here. What's he doing in Slytherin territory? He's mental! Call him Hermione.
HARRY
I can do better than that, you know? I could use a Conjuration spell. Evoco te in nomine Cho Changis!
RON
Nope, 'tis not working.
HERMIONE
It should work. Harry's in love, he's annoying enough with his sulks and sighs and what-nots, with his perennial grumpy moods and his refusing to study with the feeble excuse that he can't concentrate because his love is all beautiful and wet…
RON
And if he hear thee, thou wilt anger him.
HARRY
Well, I honestly can't see why. A conjuration in love's name is not insulting in the least, besides if he would come when one calls, we wouldn't need to conjure him like a spirit. Not that you have exactly to conjure a spirit in Hogwarts, you can simply ask a portrait to give a message to one, as one can readily apprehend by reading "Hogwarts, a History"...
RON
Yesyes. Look, one last try, alright?
HERMIONE
Oh very well.
O Harry that she were, O that she were
An open-arse and thou a poperin pear!
RON
(scandalised to the core) HERMIONE!
HERMIONE
Well, what? Harry's so gay I'm sure he'd do his Cho doggy style not to see she has tits.
RON
(through gritted teeth) Shall we go then?
HERMIONE
Might as well. For 'tis in vain
To seek him here that means not to be found. (exeunt)
HARRY
(huffs) She jests at scars that never felt a wound.
(Draco appears at a balcony magically created by Hogwarts for the occasion)
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east and Draco is the moon!
It is my pale boy! Oh, it is my love!
Oh that he knew he were!
DRACO
Ay me! To be so tempted by penguins in the middle of a kiss-at-the-ball scene!
HARRY
He speaks! He speaks of penguins! Woe is me!
Why must that drattèd boy be fixed on penguins?
Why can't he sigh and smile and speak of love,
But harp must he, forever, upon penguins?
Have penguins red eyes, then, that he desires?
Wilt he be Voldemort's, one of his marked slaves,
Yet kiss me and rub nose and make me love?
Malfoy, Malfoy, wherefore art thou Malfoy?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name,
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Gryffindor!
DRACO
(furious) THOSE WERE MY LINES!
HARRY
Oh come on! You can't moan: "Potter, Potter, wherefore art thou Potter" now, can you?
DRACO
Yeurgh.
HARRY
Exactly. Now, where was I? Ah yes.
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven
Having some business do entreat his eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if his eyes were there, they in his head?
The brightness of his cheeks would shame those stars
As daylight does a lamp. His eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
Penguins would screech and swear it were not night.
(aside) Yes! Yes yes yes! I managed to put penguins in! (does a little dance)
DRACO
Ay me! Penguins! AND nice compliments to my eyes. How can I resist?
Must I be lost, then, to a Gryffindor?
But what's a Gryffindor? It is nor hand nor foot,
Nor arms nor face nor any other part
Belonging to a man. (leers) Oh, be some other name!
What's in a name? That which we call a penguin
By any other word would swim as sweet;
So Potter would, were he not Potter call'd
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Harry, doff thy name
And for thy name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.
HARRY
(fans self) WOW! HOT! Ahem.
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love and I'll be new baptis'd.
DRACO
I thought we wizards were kind of pagans.
HARRY
MUST thou carp so?
DRACO
Actually, yes. We're OOC enough as it is. Anyway, this is Slytherin territory: it's dangerous for you here.
If they do see thee, they will murder thee.
HARRY
I have this cloak to hide me from their eyes…
DRACO
You have an Invisibility Cloak? Bastard! Where did you fond one?
HARRY
It was my father's before me, and his father's. And his father's father's. And his father's father's father's...
DRACO
Alright, I get it already! Dost thou love me?
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.
Or, if thou think'st I am too quickly won,
I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay:
It's what I do best, anyway, be warned.
HARRY
But…
DRACO
(hastily) In truth, fair Gryffindor, I am too fond
And therefore thou mayst think my haviour light,
But trust me, Harry dear, I'll prove more true
Than those that have more cunning to be strange.
HARRY
Actually you're strange and you should be cunning enough, seeing that you're a Slytherin. But let it pass.
Draco, by yonder blessed moon I swear…
DRACO
Oh, do not swear by the moon, the inconstant moon!
HARRY
Will you keep interrupting me all the time?
DRACO
Yes. So?
HARRY
Just asking. What shall I swear by?
DRACO
Do not swear at all.
Or, if thou must, swear by the beak of penguins
Which are the gods of my idolatry
And I'll believe thee.
HARRY
I swear by penguins' beaks…
DRACO
Well, do not swear. Although I joy in thee
I have no joy of this contract tonight.
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden
Too like the lightning, ugh your scar IS ugly!
Good night, good night. As sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast.
HARRY
Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
DRACO
What? Did thou expect to shag me at first sight?
HARRY
No, but th'exachange of thy love's vow for mine.
DRACO
Oh, that. I already gave it, didn't I? Art thou so dense, then?
SNAPE
(calls within) Draco! My dragonfluff!
DRACO
Anon, good Snape! Sweet Gryffindor be true.
SNAPE
(calls within) Anon me no anons, Draco! Come inside immediately!
DRACO
I'll be in momentarily.
Three words, dear Harry, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable
Thy purpose marriage, as it is decreed
By fanon law that wizards can get married
An even beget children, though both men,
And let me here tell thee with firmest purpose
I plan to marry, yea, but thou canst whistle
If thou want'st children, or bear them thee thy self...
I lost my thread, but send me word tomorrow
By one that I'll procure to send to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite.
SNAPE
(within) DRACO!
DRACO
I come anon! But if thou meanest not well
Or thinkst I will get preggers, let me beseech thee…
SNAPE
(within) DRACO MALFOY! GET THEE HERE AT ONCE!
DRACO
By and by I come! PUT A BLOODY LID ON IT!
To cease thy strife and leave me to my grief!
Salazar, it's impossible to finish a sentence here!
Tomorrow will I send.
HARRY
So thrive my soul!
DRACO
A thousand times good night.
HARRY
A thousand times the worse to want thy light.
DRACO
(goes within. Screeches offscreen) WHAT THE SODDING HELL DOST THOU WANT NOW!?
HARRY
Hark to the voice of love! He hast some nice pair of lungs on him, hast my love. Wonder if he's that loud in bed.
Love goes towards love as schoolboys from their books
Which makes Hermione give them dirty looks.
DRACO
(comes out again) Hist, Harry, hist! At what time tomorrow
Shall I send to thee?
HARRY
Just after breakfast, but before class time.
DRACO
I will not fail. Goodnight, my love, goodnight.
HARRY
Goodnight, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.
Act II - Part 2
ACT II
B. BARON
Now old desire doth on his deathbed lie
And young affection gapes to be his heir:
The fair, for which love groaned and would not die,
With pointy Draco match'd is now not fair.
Now fickle Harry spurns girls for a guy
With silver eyes, dry wit and shiny hair.
Being held a foe he may not have access
To breath such vows as lovers use to swear
Draco, as much in love, his means much less
To meet his new beloved anywhere;
But passion lends them power, time means to meet
Tempering extremities with extreme sweet
And giving wings to the bright fluffy dove
Of their most famous tragic t00by love.
CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SLYTHERIN HOUSE
Harry alone
HARRY
Can I go Gryffinwards when my heart is here?
Thank Merlin I brought my Invisible Cloak with me. I must try and get into the Slytherin dorms and see my pointy love again. Oh, he is fair! And witty! And sexy! And obsessed with penguins which are almost impossible to fit into a sonnet. Woe! (dons Invisible Cloak)
Enter Ron and Hermione
RON
Harry! Harry!
HERMIONE
He's probably gone to bed.
RON
No, I saw him coming back here. What's he doing in Slytherin territory? He's mental! Call him Hermione.
HARRY
I can do better than that, you know? I could use a Conjuration spell. Evoco te in nomine Cho Changis!
RON
Nope, 'tis not working.
HERMIONE
It should work. Harry's in love, he's annoying enough with his sulks and sighs and what-nots, with his perennial grumpy moods and his refusing to study with the feeble excuse that he can't concentrate because his love is all beautiful and wet…
RON
And if he hear thee, thou wilt anger him.
HARRY
Well, I honestly can't see why. A conjuration in love's name is not insulting in the least, besides if he would come when one calls, we wouldn't need to conjure him like a spirit. Not that you have exactly to conjure a spirit in Hogwarts, you can simply ask a portrait to give a message to one, as one can readily apprehend by reading "Hogwarts, a History"...
RON
Yesyes. Look, one last try, alright?
HERMIONE
Oh very well.
O Harry that she were, O that she were
An open-arse and thou a poperin pear!
RON
(scandalised to the core) HERMIONE!
HERMIONE
Well, what? Harry's so gay I'm sure he'd do his Cho doggy style not to see she has tits.
RON
(through gritted teeth) Shall we go then?
HERMIONE
Might as well. For 'tis in vain
To seek him here that means not to be found. (exeunt)
HARRY
(huffs) She jests at scars that never felt a wound.
(Draco appears at a balcony magically created by Hogwarts for the occasion)
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east and Draco is the moon!
It is my pale boy! Oh, it is my love!
Oh that he knew he were!
DRACO
Ay me! To be so tempted by penguins in the middle of a kiss-at-the-ball scene!
HARRY
He speaks! He speaks of penguins! Woe is me!
Why must that drattèd boy be fixed on penguins?
Why can't he sigh and smile and speak of love,
But harp must he, forever, upon penguins?
Have penguins red eyes, then, that he desires?
Wilt he be Voldemort's, one of his marked slaves,
Yet kiss me and rub nose and make me love?
Malfoy, Malfoy, wherefore art thou Malfoy?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name,
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Gryffindor!
DRACO
(furious) THOSE WERE MY LINES!
HARRY
Oh come on! You can't moan: "Potter, Potter, wherefore art thou Potter" now, can you?
DRACO
Yeurgh.
HARRY
Exactly. Now, where was I? Ah yes.
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven
Having some business do entreat his eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if his eyes were there, they in his head?
The brightness of his cheeks would shame those stars
As daylight does a lamp. His eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
Penguins would screech and swear it were not night.
(aside) Yes! Yes yes yes! I managed to put penguins in! (does a little dance)
DRACO
Ay me! Penguins! AND nice compliments to my eyes. How can I resist?
Must I be lost, then, to a Gryffindor?
But what's a Gryffindor? It is nor hand nor foot,
Nor arms nor face nor any other part
Belonging to a man. (leers) Oh, be some other name!
What's in a name? That which we call a penguin
By any other word would swim as sweet;
So Potter would, were he not Potter call'd
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Harry, doff thy name
And for thy name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.
HARRY
(fans self) WOW! HOT! Ahem.
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love and I'll be new baptis'd.
DRACO
I thought we wizards were kind of pagans.
HARRY
MUST thou carp so?
DRACO
Actually, yes. We're OOC enough as it is. Anyway, this is Slytherin territory: it's dangerous for you here.
If they do see thee, they will murder thee.
HARRY
I have this cloak to hide me from their eyes…
DRACO
You have an Invisibility Cloak? Bastard! Where did you fond one?
HARRY
It was my father's before me, and his father's. And his father's father's. And his father's father's father's...
DRACO
Alright, I get it already! Dost thou love me?
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.
Or, if thou think'st I am too quickly won,
I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay:
It's what I do best, anyway, be warned.
HARRY
But…
DRACO
(hastily) In truth, fair Gryffindor, I am too fond
And therefore thou mayst think my haviour light,
But trust me, Harry dear, I'll prove more true
Than those that have more cunning to be strange.
HARRY
Actually you're strange and you should be cunning enough, seeing that you're a Slytherin. But let it pass.
Draco, by yonder blessed moon I swear…
DRACO
Oh, do not swear by the moon, the inconstant moon!
HARRY
Will you keep interrupting me all the time?
DRACO
Yes. So?
HARRY
Just asking. What shall I swear by?
DRACO
Do not swear at all.
Or, if thou must, swear by the beak of penguins
Which are the gods of my idolatry
And I'll believe thee.
HARRY
I swear by penguins' beaks…
DRACO
Well, do not swear. Although I joy in thee
I have no joy of this contract tonight.
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden
Too like the lightning, ugh your scar IS ugly!
Good night, good night. As sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast.
HARRY
Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
DRACO
What? Did thou expect to shag me at first sight?
HARRY
No, but th'exachange of thy love's vow for mine.
DRACO
Oh, that. I already gave it, didn't I? Art thou so dense, then?
SNAPE
(calls within) Draco! My dragonfluff!
DRACO
Anon, good Snape! Sweet Gryffindor be true.
SNAPE
(calls within) Anon me no anons, Draco! Come inside immediately!
DRACO
I'll be in momentarily.
Three words, dear Harry, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable
Thy purpose marriage, as it is decreed
By fanon law that wizards can get married
An even beget children, though both men,
And let me here tell thee with firmest purpose
I plan to marry, yea, but thou canst whistle
If thou want'st children, or bear them thee thy self...
I lost my thread, but send me word tomorrow
By one that I'll procure to send to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite.
SNAPE
(within) DRACO!
DRACO
I come anon! But if thou meanest not well
Or thinkst I will get preggers, let me beseech thee…
SNAPE
(within) DRACO MALFOY! GET THEE HERE AT ONCE!
DRACO
By and by I come! PUT A BLOODY LID ON IT!
To cease thy strife and leave me to my grief!
Salazar, it's impossible to finish a sentence here!
Tomorrow will I send.
HARRY
So thrive my soul!
DRACO
A thousand times good night.
HARRY
A thousand times the worse to want thy light.
DRACO
(goes within. Screeches offscreen) WHAT THE SODDING HELL DOST THOU WANT NOW!?
HARRY
Hark to the voice of love! He hast some nice pair of lungs on him, hast my love. Wonder if he's that loud in bed.
Love goes towards love as schoolboys from their books
Which makes Hermione give them dirty looks.
DRACO
(comes out again) Hist, Harry, hist! At what time tomorrow
Shall I send to thee?
HARRY
Just after breakfast, but before class time.
DRACO
I will not fail. Goodnight, my love, goodnight.
HARRY
Goodnight, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.
Act II - Part 2
Short reply
Re: Shorter reply
Re: Short reply
I don't know, I used to like dragons because they were this glamourous, all-powerful, dark force. But when it comes right down to it, few authors are up to the challenge of writing that kind of thing. The only ones that comes to mind are Terry Pratchett and Sarah Ash. Otherwise, good authors tend to steer clear of dragons... =]
Re: Short reply
Dragons are a lovely myth, death to bad writers who Disney them to death!
Re: Short reply
Honestly, the very existance of that movie kind of makes me want to bite someone. Christopher Paolini is a fool and a hack, a writer of derivative blah fantasy, and they give this to him? To him, and not to me? They bring his mediocre creation to life on the screen, give him endless amounts of money and resources to share his pointless vision with the world, whereas I have to despair of even being published? >_<
GAAAAHHH! Besides, never mind me, what about published authors who're actually intelligent and gifted? They could have brought A Game of Thrones to life! They could have given us Coltaine and the Chain of Dogs, from Deadhouse Gates! Both those things have been considered! But what actually made it to the screen was this? This?
I feel like I could go mad!
This outrage will not stand! I WILL HAVE VENGEANCE! I WILL HAVE SALVATION! NO, NOT ONE MAN, NO, NOT TEN MEN, NOR A HUNDRED, CAN ASSUAGE ME...
(*coughs*)
Sorry, when I think about this too much, I start channelling Sweeney Todd... ^_^;;
Re: Short reply
Re: Short reply
Yes, ye gods, Hollywoodism... The paragon of saying absolutely nothing, and saying it as loudly as possible... =]
Oh, by the way, I have now made sure to get hold of Babel-17 by Samuel R Delany, and Dialogues of the Dead by Reginald Hill. They look interesting. :)
I will be right on them, but first I've got to finish Vellum. I no longer want to read Vellum anymore, but I've only got about 100 pages left, and I did pay money for the damn thing. Bah. There should be a law against strong, resourceful female characters turning into whimpering wusses halfway through a book. >_
Re: Short reply
Dialogues of the Dead you WILL love. I mean it's not an order like it prolly sounds, but a prediction.
There should be a law against strong, resourceful female characters turning into whimpering wusses halfway through a book. >
I suppose that literary precedent allows people to commit this type of charactericide. Since Shakespeare saw fit to turn a wonderful woman into a wuss in Othello just to move the plot, lots of author have done the same. But yes, there should be a law...
Re: Short reply
Oh, and what's up with Brass? Is he an alien a mutant or something? 0_o
I'm kind of liking it so far. Love the worldbuilding, it feels very strange and properly sf-like. :)
Dialogues of the Dead you WILL love. I mean it's not an order like it prolly sounds, but a prediction.
I'm sure I will. :)
Re: Short reply
To me, Eragon would seem to be the ultimate proof of just what is wrong with our time. Our reliance on advertisement has reached a level where anything can be sold. This publishing company literally took some dumb kid's infantile efforts and turned it into an international bestseller. This proves it. Anything can be sold. Quality is irrelevant.
And the sheep buy it. They defend it vigorously. They read complex sociopolitical statements into the trash... well, I guess that's good, it means they're using their brains, but even so... =]
I mean, I thought Rowling was the lowest point, but the problem with lowest points is that you can usually find some way to sink even further...
It looks like someone's got to save the world from its own stupidity. (*sighs and cracks knuckles*) I hate it when there's a job that I can't make someone else do for me, but nothing to it, I guess... =]
Re: Short reply
That I was ever born to set it right!
In other words, you sound just like Hamlet, my friend.
Re: Short reply
... wait. Didn't Hamlet end up dead? In fact, didn't all his family and friends end up dead too?
Oh dear. ^_^;;
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Re: Short reply
... mostly because it's so true. ;)